Ok so I have been battling some VERY negative talk lately. Not from others but from myself. You see, I have gained quite a bit of weight since having Delaney. My last doctor’s visit I was right around 249 and then after I delivered her, I went down to 225ish. I joked and said the fastest way to lose 20 pounds was to have a baby! In fact, it was all the water weight I had with the high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia. Then, with my time in the NICU and the following months of being lazy and figuring out how to be a new mom and take care of her and still do everything around the house and work a full time job out of the house it was all a good excuse to eat like crap and not exercise.
When I started the 21DayFix after coming home from vacation, I was at 254.2. HIGHER than my highest weight pregnant. So, I had good reason to think I was fat and not feel good about myself. However, I did not have good reason to beat myself up about it and make negative comments about myself. Here is the picture that started it:
My comment was “I was so thin and I thought I was so fat!”
Then this one:
And my comment was, “Me looking oh so much thinner!”
So, I basically just verbalized what I was thinking. You know we all think negative thoughts about ourselves just most people don’t say it and if they do, they certainly don’t put it in writing for all of Facebook to read. Well, I did. I put my negative self image out there for everyone to read and I got a very interesting response from someone near and dear to me. Here is what she said:
“My 2 cents on your latest post: Here’s the weird thing. I know you have a blog dedicated to weight loss, and I can relate to your journey. However, (and this is the thing), I only ever see you as Jennifer. Not “skinny Jennifer” or “chubby Jennifer”, just “you”. My guess is that is how everyone who loves you sees you. Don’t belittle the great person you are now and have always been by apologizing for not being the size you think you should be. Ok, public service announcement is over.”
So, that hit me HARD. Do people really not judge me because I am so much heavier than I was two years ago? Do people not look at me and think, “Gosh she sure gained weight!” And you know what? Maybe some do. But, I bet this FB person is right. I bet people just see me as Jennifer. The same Jennifer I was two, three, ten, fifteen years ago. I bet people don’t look at me and think, “Here comes Fat Jennifer.” Like I do myself. So, why do I think such things about myself? Why do I allow myself to talk to myself that way? So, once again, I am going to try and turn my thinking around. Every time I say something negative in my head, I have to tell myself two positives to counteract the negative. No matter what!
No matter how much weight I gain or lose, my heart stays the same. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, my personality does not change. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, my abilities are the same. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, I am just Jennifer.
You are just you. Stop beating yourself up. Stop saying those negative things. Just stop and be YOU! Because I am pretty darn awesome…and so are YOU!