One Woman’s Quest to Find the Perfect Gym

I thought you all might like some humor on this Tuesday night so I am going to tell you a story.  A client wrote about her quest to find the “perfect” gym and I thought you might like to hear it!  Here is my client, Sharon with her hilarious tale…

When losing weight, it’s not only important to watch what you eat but it’s also important to exercise. Sure, you can exercise in your home with one of those QVC infomercial exercise machines; but we know that you’ll walk by saying, “I should exercise” while throwing your coat over the handlebars. Soon, the machine becomes an overpriced clothes hanger.

Honey, it’s time to join a gym and see everyone suffer right along with you.

There’s no better feeling than hearing that tiny little thing on the treadmill right next me sucking in air as much as me. Granted, my treadmill in on speed 2.5 and I’m pretty sure hers is on 7 with a 6.0 incline. See…she’s not so perfect. If I look closely enough, I swear I can see some sweat! Misery loves company.  So, out I went to try and find the perfect gym.  Paying for a gym is for suckers and I’m not a sucker.  I knew gyms will give you a free trial anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks, hoping you will eventually fork over your hard earned cash.

So, I started trying gyms all around town in order to, you know, “maybe” join one.

The first one was OK and if I paid three years in advance, he would give me a great deal. But who knows what’s going to happen in 3 years? Heck, I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for lunch tomorrow. Though, I finished my “Free Week” and kept on going until they told me I had to pay if I wanted to come back. So, it’s off to Gym #2.

The second one had a “Cardio Theater”. I love watching movies and hate exercising. What could go wrong? Once I stepped inside the cardio theater, it smelled like someone pooed in the corner. I thought maybe I’d get used to it, but no one gets used to the smell of fresh poo. Of course, I finished my FREE week pass, but never stepped inside the Cardio Theater, again.

By gym 3, I was feeling confident that I ‘d never have to join a gym and just cruise by on free passes forever. I hit the Holy Grail of free passes … I only had to give them access to my Facebook information, friend, status, username, password, etc. and I’d get my 7 day pass upgraded to 14 days. DONE! (Sorry Facebook Friends)

On a Friday, I was ready to hand over my pass and ready to make this my new gym … for the next 14 days.

I pull out my handy dandy FOURTEEN day pass and handed it to some guy with really big muscles that stared at me, ignored me and then looked me up and down (in that order). He says “I know your kind. You people come in here with your free pass, waste my time and never sign up for a membership.” I thought to myself “HAHA, he caught me” I don’t have to put up a façade, I can use my 2 week free trial and move on to the next gym. What a relief! I wasn’t prepared for what happened next…

He screamed “Get the hell out of my gym and pointed to the front door!”

I was aghast. Did I seriously just get banned from a gym? So, I started walking out and then I was all like ‘Wait, I have a right to my free pass!” After all, I totally sold out my best Facebook Friends for those extra 7 days. So, I turned around, walked back up to him and calmed him down. We chatted for a bit and he continued to tell me how much he hates “my people” and how much the gym down the street sucks. He also told me that the prices that Gym #1 gave me were wrong and even picked up the phone to call them since he was convinced I was lying (I wasn’t). This meathead whackadoodle finally succumbed to my persuasive talking and gave me a 3 day pass … on a Friday. I was like WHOA, I need to use it during the week and turned that 3 days pass into a 6 day pass. Then he wrote EXPIRED on top of my 14 Day Pass. To add insult to injury, he underlined the word expired. He said I could work out and told me not to knock on the office door since he was going to turn the lights off and take a nap. I thought he was joking about taking a nap in this office the size of a closet, until he pointed to his blanket and then I knew he was serious. I worked out, then went home and cried.

I gave up on Gym #3 and decided to try personal training, instead. The guy from Gym #3 said this place sucks. What could go wrong? (I think you already know the answer to this). Well, NOTHING went wrong! I showed up, my personal trainer Jon worked me out AND I was able to move the next day. He did lots of stretches before, during and after the workout. I don’t have many requirements for a gym…well, just a hot guy trainer to get me in shape (You know that you totally work harder when a hot guy is watching you) and a place where the women don’t wear those see-through Lululemon yoga pants. I stay away from wearing yoga pants because from behind, it looks like 2 puppies are fighting instead of something that would bounce a quarter. The people there are super duper nice, the equipment is new and in good shape and it doesn’t smell like poo. I like that some of the people are super fat, at the beginning of their journey and some look like fitness models, obviously they’ve been going there awhile. You can actually see the progress.

The best part?!?  If the owner from Gym #3 ever finds out I joined “Attitude Fitness” he’d be so mad…Which is fine with me!

Do you have any funny stories from your search for the perfect gym?

Sparkle on Peeps!


Ive decided to name my bathroom Jim

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