God Knows…

Have you ever asked God, “Why?”  Of course you have.  We all have.  Sometimes, we might ask, “Why?” for years at a time about the same topic.  For the past two and a half years, I have asked, “Why?”

For the past two and a half years, we (Jason and I) have continued to ask God for a baby.  We decided that we wanted to be parents and the time had come where we knew each other well enough, having been married for five years, and we were ready!  So, in January of 2009, we decided we were going to start actively trying to have a baby.

The facts were laid out before us and I for one had to take a hard look at where I was.  I weighed over 275 pounds, I was out of shape, I was unhappy with myself, I did not have regular periods (TMI, I know but it is important for you to know ALL of the history of the situation), I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and we knew, it wasn’t going to be easy.  So, I asked myself what could I do to help?  I joined Weight Watchers with my dad knowing that I could at least do SOMETHING.

The weight started to come off, slowly.  I just kept going to my Weight Watchers meetings with the goal of not gaining any weight.  I didn’t care if I lost weight, I just didn’t want to gain any.

A year goes by, still not pregnant, still going to Weight Watchers and by now, I have lost a total of 75 pounds.  I also did not eat anything with un-natural sugar in it for the entire year of 2009.  It is the only New Year’s resolution I have EVER actually done!  With that, I learned that my body must be allergic to it because I started having regular monthly periods.  Not at first but after a few months.

Here we go into 2010…we are still trying to have a baby and I have started to see an OB-GYN who can hopefully help with the process.  We start testing.  Lord, I did every test under the sun.  I was poked and prodded so much I felt like a voodoo doll.  They took blood, did dye tests (You really don’t want to know) to make sure my tubes were open.  Amazingly enough, most everything looked good.  They found one tiny thing but it was easily taken care of.  So, the doctors were stumped.

They decided to start me on Clomid because I was saying I didn’t ovulate regularly due to PCOS.  I took Clomid and that was TOO successful.  My numbers were in the 3-4 children range with the amount of eggs I dropped so they quickly decided we didn’t need to go that route unless we were wanting multiples…and when I say multiples, I mean multiples.

The last thing my doctor could do before referring me to a specialist was a surgery to see if I had endometriosis or scar tissue from my previous gall-bladder removal.  In October of 2010, we decided to go with it, God provided the money, and so I had Laparoscopy.  Guess what they found???  Yep, you guessed it…nothing!  My doctor thought we might be successful since he had “cleaned me out” poking and prodding around in there with the surgery and told us to try until February and come back to see him if we weren’t pregnant by then.  By now, I have lost a total of 93 pounds at Weight Watchers and I am still going to try and make goal.

Right after Valentine’s Day, off I went back to the doctors office because I STILL wasn’t pregnant.  BTW-yes, I was charting all of the symptoms women are supposed to chart.  I even have an iPhone app that stores it all for me!  We were then referred on to a specialist who hopefully could help us.

Off we went to Reproductive Biology Associates in March of 2011 in the hopes of finding some answers.  Guess what they wanted to do?  Yep, more tests.  We decided we would go ahead with IUI but before they could, they needed to do some routine tests.  So, my husband and I did blood work and got prepared to go through our first round of IUI (turkey baster method).

SCREECHING HALT SOUND…did you hear it?  The sound of a car coming to a complete stop.  That sound is the doctor saying, “Uh oh, we can’t do IUI because your husband’s sperm is irregular.  What?!?  Really?!?  Okay…what now.  We were then referred to yet another doctor, this time a male specialist.

Now it was my husband’s turn to have all the testing under the sun.  The tests come back and he has a problem.  The problem that they found could affect his quality of life much later in life and is currently affecting us getting pregnant.  So, this past Thursday, Jason had outpatient surgery to correct the problem.

So, through this whole process, I have often asked God, “Why, God?  Why are Jason and I having trouble getting pregnant?  Why have all the tests lead to dead ends?  Why is there no explanation that we can get?”  I asked why, why, why and you know what God told me?  He said, “Trust me!”

That’s exactly what I did. For the past two and a half years, I have trusted Him.  I have trusted Him and sometimes it amazed people.  I never sat down and cried when I would find out that yet another month had gone by and I still wasn’t pregnant.  I never got frustrated and yelled at God saying it was unfair.  I just continued to trust Him.  That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ask him, “Why?” but I continued to hear the same answer every time, “Trust Me!”  I also have to tell you that in Him alone I had the strength to trust Him.  He gave me that strength because it is not easy to trust when you don’t understand.

So, why did I choose now to share this story with you?  I got my answer to all those “Why’s?”.  We had to trust Him so He could make us whole.  Without the past two and a half years of infertility, I would still weigh 275 pounds.  Actually, I would probably be bigger!  Without the past two and a half years of infertility, my husband would have a life altering condition when he got older.  Without the past two and a half years of infertility, we would not trust God like we do today.  We have faith!  We have more faith than we have ever had.  We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God will give us a baby…in His time.  Not ours.  We weren’t ready two and a half years ago to have a baby.  He knew that all along…we just had to trust Him.